- “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Louis B. Smedes
“A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” – Robert Quillen
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- “Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” – Paul Boese
Do you struggle with giving or receiving the second rarest gift of all… forgiveness?
Why is the gift of forgiveness so difficult to genuinely give?
When we offer genuine forgiveness, an interesting dynamic takes place that makes most people quite uncomfortable. As a giver of genuine forgiveness, we lose control of the relationship and the ensuing, unknown response from the recipient, to accept or deny our genuine forgiveness. (Reminder: Control in a relationship is not a healthy component and the relationship should exist because the people in the relationship -want- to be in the relationship… not because they -need- to be in the relationship.)
Why is the gift of forgiveness so difficult to genuinely accept?
When we accept genuine forgiveness, we’re giving the control back to the giver and putting ourselves in a position to possibly be taken advantage of in the future. Whereas, if we just hold a grudge (i.e. don’t accept the apology), we maintain control over the relationship and research has shown, most people actually feel better about themselves when they hold a grudge against others (but self-servingly, not against themselves for their decisions).
Should forgiveness always be granted? Do you feel better when you choose to refuse to apologize? What do you do if people don’t accept your apology? These are all great questions that bring both benefits and consequences to you for your unique decisions. Thus; Holistic-DMQ (Decision Making Quality), as always, is paramount.
Here are 4 Types of betrayals most people experience, that lead to the necessity for forgiveness to take place.
- Childhood
- Friendships
- Professional
- Romantic
Do you consider yourself a forgiving person? Most people consider themselves to be forgiving. But, if you peel the onion back, if you believe you are a forgiving person, is it genuinely accurate; or, is it accurate primarily when there is something to be gained by you? If we consider ourselves to be forgiving, is it possible, that many of us (not all) are merely being arrogant about who we are? If forgiveness was / is self-serving, it becomes attractive to provide apparent (vs. genuine) forgiveness.
I believe it is healthy to consider forgiveness a process of intelligently fluid decisions and actions; rather than a one-time act with just words.
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The first step in the process is to create a shared agreement on what actually happened and how it fits into the overall, cumulative relationship. The cumulative relationship is critical, since the issue that created the need for forgiveness has likely been brewing throughout the relationship in multiple, interconnected ways. Once this agreement has been reached, a genuine apology can now be generated and accepted or denied.
How do you genuinely forgive yourself without any justifications? Since self-forgiveness enhances our self-esteem, it is much, much easier for us to forgive ourselves… and feel better. But, doing so in a healthy, raw and unbiased way is the only way to accept genuine self-forgiveness. For me, acknowledging that I completely messed up, is quite helpful… no excuses, while owning my decisions 100%, regardless of how nasty these swamp creature are, that were created by me.
Going full circle on forgiveness… so, genuinely saying “I’m sorry” and genuinely changing, is really, paradoxically, a self-serving act;
since the apology may be accepted or denied… yet, we are genuinely sorry, regardless if it is accepted or denied!
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It is an unconditional gift we give from our heart and soul!
Yes; genuine forgiveness in relationships, that is both offered and accepted wholeheartedly, is a continuous fluid dance
done by clumsy, uncoordinated; yet, genuinely apologetic and appreciative people!
In case you’re wondering, the rarest gift of all is… unconditional love… which is required in Amazing relationships!
Holistic-DMQ (Decision Making Quality) -IS- the Secret to Amazing Windows of Time on your Life’s Journey!
Are you a Purpose-Driven Leader… looking to make a Significant Social Impact in other people’s lives?
Would you like to create $1+ Million for each of Your Favorite Non-Profits?
DM me on LinkedIn or directly (jim.roncevich@ipgsocialimpact.com).
Who changes the world? I believe it’s almost exclusively the Top-7%. They are the only ones with the Talent Portfolios and social consciences needed to actually implement significant positive social impact.
If you believe you’re one of these executives, we’d love to explore possible opportunities.
Get MAD! Get Making A Difference! ~ JR
