“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when
we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled.
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For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts
and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
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― M. Scott Peck
Have you ever had a minor disagreement with someone who reacted as though you cut their jugular vein… and all you were doing was investing energy into creating something better, because you actually cared?
How many professional or personal relationships have you been in where:
- The introduction of healthy conflict wasn’t handled in a positive manner?
- You introducing controversial issues, essentially, just wasn’t permitted?
- You have grown exponentially, because someone created healthy conflict with you… and, they didn’t let you push them away (even though you tried your hardest to push them away)?
Sure, it’s nice to have everything go smoothly or smoothly enough, especially when you’re mentally fatigued.
However, if you’re a black swan and have the Conflict Resiliency Competency, you hunger to get better and absolutely love when others invest their energy into you, to help you get better… no matter how much it hurts at the moment!
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Professionally, there was a wonderful place I worked and we had some of the most Steve Job-ish ruckus meetings… and then we’d all go out and have a drink, laugh, etc., afterwards. Our team led the U.S. in nearly every key metric measured, year-after-year!
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Personally, never going to bed angry, any day, with your significant other was a wonderful practice that very few couples have the capacity to actually implement. If you’re not able to practice this daily, do you love the other person and does the other person, genuinely love you?
In our professional and personal relationships, very few people will love you enough to help you get better. This small percentage of people willing to help you get better, also have a Range of Resistance they’ll tolerate from you, when you push back against their well-intentioned help.
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This Range of Resistance tests their genuine love for you.
Is it shallow like a mud puddle or deep like the Pacific?
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If you want to determine who genuinely loves you, from who only loves you when it’s convenient, just observe who is still loving you when it isn’t so easy to love you and you, they or both of you are valiantly pushing away, during those windows of time when things aren’t so rosy.
The Marriage & Divorce Carousel, for couples staying together for 7 years or less, is typically a Sold-Out Ride. To get a ticket onto the Carousel, you just need to both be in a good-enough place in the beginning, have a minimal amount of conflict and be reasonably compatible to meet each other’s short-term self-serving interests (e.g. nice restaurants, travel, etc.).
Unfortunately, the ride ends, when healthy conflict isn’t handled in an unconditionally loving way… rather, it ends in a self-serving, what’s in it for me way. Working through initial conflicts in relationships, while learning much about how the other handles conflicts, is a valuable process. If they practically bleed to death from a minor scratch (minor disagreement)… the relationship isn’t likely to end well when a real challenge arises. I now observe extremely closely, how both professionals and possibly significant others, deal with conflict. I have no interest, professionally or personally, in getting a ticket for that temporary Carousel ride!
Professionally and personally, learning to be genuinely you, sharing your honest concerns with significant or
potentially significant people in your life… is a wonderful self-cleansing process!
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Only the ones who genuinely love you, despite not-always-rosy situations, are the “keepers”!
News Flash: Most people whom you provide honest concerns to, because you care… will find the relationship exit door quite quickly.
There’s no need to ask people if they love you.
Paradoxically… make it easy for people to let you down, walk away when things aren’t perfect
or just check out so they don’t have to deal with any degree of conflict!
Simultaneously, provide people the opportunity to show you their love through:
- Perseverance to endure challenges, while not making mountains out of mole hills
- Patience to not over-react to anything that may be less-than-perfect
- Grit for helping the relationship reach its potential
- Flexibility to listen while actually getting better in the relationship.
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Those left still loving you… these are the rare “keepers” in life!
Warning: Self-Serving people don’t believe they are self-serving people (which is a blog all its own). Nonetheless, you’ll observe they only offer camouflaged “what’s in it for me” short leashes in relationships. It may be painful, but it’s best to discover this sooner rather than later.
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Conflict is the great unmasker on who people genuinely are!
Are you a Conflict-Resilient Leader looking to make, not just Good Enough, but a Significant Social Impact in other people’s lives?
Would you like to create $1+ Million for each of Your Favorite Non-Profits?
DM me on LinkedIn or directly (jim.roncevich@ipgsocialimpact.com).
Who changes the world? I believe it’s almost exclusively the Top-7%. They are the only ones with the Talent Portfolios and social consciences needed to actually implement significant positive social impact.
If you believe you’re one of these executives, we’d love to explore possible opportunities.
Get MAD! Get Making A Difference! ~ JR
